Please Don’t Wear My Sunglasses

My ears are small. It’s nice that they don’t awkwardly stick out. Not having the nickname Dumbo is great. But having small ears is rough.

I bought a pair of sunglasses two years ago. Recently, I put them on while driving and noticed that they slid down my nose. And no, it’s not because I have a slick, oily nose that needs to be cleaned. I exfoliate. I have standards. They wouldn’t stay put because my ears weren’t providing enough support. They fit when I originally bought them, but I think someone wore them and they stretched out a little.

I tried bending them back in shape, but then they became too snug. By the way, they’re aviators. So, I now look like a bug when I wear them. I can’t get them back to their original shape. My entire life is in shambles.

I bought new sunglasses. Having two pairs of sunglasses is unnecessary. I had a perfectly good pair! My new pair looks way better and fits nicely. I look great. But with a flyer look comes higher stress. Now, I have to make sure no one else wears them.

THAT’S GOING TO BE SO HARD. What if someone tries them on just for fun? I’m sure they’ll tease me and be like, “Look! I’m Bineet! (that’s my name)” Everyone else will laugh. But I’ll look at the horizon and wonder what I did to deserve such a travesty. Another pair ruined. I must live with my stretched out shades. I’ll never look down while wearing them, for fear that they’ll fall off my face. Sudden head movements will be a thing of the past. I can’t run in sunglasses, because they’ll bounce up and down my nose. Life will never be the same.

What if I’m out and about in my sunglasses and suddenly, I hear someone yell, “AARON CARTER IS HERE!” Obviously, I’m going to run to try to see Aaron. But in the process, my stretched out shades will fall off my face. Then, the sun will blind me, Aaron will turn a corner, and I’ll miss out on my chance to see him.

Or, what if someone asks to borrow my sunglasses? I won’t say no because I’m too nice of a person. A few statistics to demonstrate my point:

Percentage of the time I want to share food: 0%
Percentage of the time, when asked, I share food: 100%

The sun hurts your eyes. You don’t want to squint. I get it, and for that reason, I’ll let you wear them. I don’t know how to say, “No. You’re going to stretch them out” in a nice way. It sounds like a fat joke.

Please don’t make me feel obligated to let you wear my sunglasses. But also, please don’t wear them for fun. You can do something else to play a joke on me. Poke my shoulder. Spit on my face. Burn my hair. Put me into a chokehold. Just don’t ruin my sunglasses.

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